Submitted by Olga Noitapitsnokovna
First of all, let me just say that after looking at the picture of this wonder for a few minutes, my first reaction was to want to stitch my eyelids together. But after the initial shock to my visual apparatus wore off, MY brain, started to look at THIS brain-shaped specimen, in a more objective way. Now doesn't this lump look a lot like another famous lump? That's right! The Pearl of Allah. Sure, this one is smaller, but you have to admit --- it is just as ugly. No, wait, technically the The Pearl of Allah is uglier because there is a lot more surface area that ugly can occupy.
So what it boils down to here is that we have five pounds of newly discovered ugly. The difference, besides weight, between this newer ugly lump and that older ugly lump, The Pearl of Allah, seems to be that this is some newer "natural" blister-pearl ugly, while that was some older "cultured" ugly (we all know that story was bullshit). I'm no big expert on ugly but in my opinion, the quality of of this particular ugly seems to be of equal magnitude in both of the lumps. Huh, how coincidental.
"This is clearly one of the most valuable pearls of its kind in the world today," said Bidwell---and therein those fine words lies the truth of the matter. Specifically the words, "of its kind". Now, where in the world has the lumpier and older Pearl of Allah gone to? What was the last price anybody paid for it? I always thought that value was determined by what someone agrees to pay for it. Oh yes, the Pearl of Allah was valued at astronomical figures, but no one ever bought it at those figures. Reminds me a little of quahog pearls and their purported value.
I too, wonder what kind of exciting future this nacreless five pound lump will have. In fact, I've already got an idea or two for its future, but lucky for it, I am not its owner. The Pearl of Allah faired pretty well, wherever it is. Can't say the same for the people who said they owned it, but maybe this new lump has much better mojo. Or maybe, just to be on the safe side, the thing to do with it is to house it in a museum display case somewhere, far away. Far, far away.