Wretched Excess, Part Two

Part two, submitted by Bafoon.

My mind is still boggling from a cursory, preliminary examination of The Queen of England’s Imperial State Crown and the pearls thereon. Not to be undone by her headdress, I then leered at at The Queen’s State cars: two Bentleys, three Rolls-Royces, three Daimlers, and a number of plebian Volkswagens.

They are painted in Royal Claret. The Bentleys and the Rollers do not have registration numbers, what we blokes call license plates, and have monologue construction (the transmission runs underneath the floor, without encroaching on the cabin).

The Bentleys are 20.5 feet long (6.22 meters for you Anglophiles) and have a longer wheelbase, and are driven by a standard, four speed General Motors gearbox. Despite their powerful engines, they are driven at between three-to-nine miles per hour. The doors are what we Americans call “suicide doors” (hinged at the back so The Queen may stand upright before exiting to the ground). [I had a suicide door Lincoln Continental many years ago, so called because in a crash the passengers in the rear seat usually spilled out with consummate ease, due to centrifugal forces; we used to see how fast we could drive it in unregulated Montana road speeds to visit Evil Knievel in Butte.]

Of the Rolls-Royces, there are a 1950 Phantom IV, a 1978 Phantom VI, and a 1987 Phantom VI. For her private use, The Queen (who has a valid driver’s license) drives a Daimler Jaguar Saloon or a Vauxhall Estate. Her husband, The Duke of Edinburgh, has a Discovery and a Metrocab. These private cars are appropriately painted Edinburgh green.

In charge of this fleet of automobiles is a team of eight chauffeurs, working out The Royal Mews at Buckingham Palace. These Royal cars must pay the Congestion Charge (owed by all automobiles operating in central London, road taxes, regular MOTs, and insurance. Some have been converted to run on LPG (liquefied petroleum gas).

Air transport for the Royal Family is provided by No. 32 Squadron of the Royal Air Force (RAF); chartered civilian aircraft; and occasionally scheduled commercial flights provided by British Airways. There are plans to acquire two dedicated executive transports for the use of the Royal Family, due to security concerns.

The Royal Train is the name given to the set of railway carriages dedicated for the use of the British Monarch, other members of the Royal Family, and their staff. The train currently consists of nine British Rail Mark 3 carriages. Two locomotives are designated for use on the train and painted in the claret livery of the royal household. The carriages may be used for other Heads of State, but they cannot be hired by private users (damn!). Train drivers are specially selected based on their skills, including the ability to make a station stop within six inches of the designated position.

The Royal Yacht, Britannia, was built by the folks who built the prestigious Cunard Queens, and was designed as a dual function vessel... both as a Royal Yacht in peacetime and as hospital ship in times of hostilities. Meticulous attention was paid to detail, such as a steel hull riveted, then machined flush above the waterline for an immaculate finish. The Queen and Duke of Edinburgh took personal interest in the interior design, choosing unbelievably exquisite furnishings. Throughout the 43 years of active life, this craft steamed well over 1 million miles. In service, Britannia became a fitting symbol of Britain’s proud maritime heritage, and is now in retirement in Edinburgh, Scotland.

This all makes me feel like a piker. What a glorious toy collection! And all of it paid by the blood, sweat and tears of others, leaving one to ramble through various estates, castles and palaces while playing with her corgis. Much more fun, far less work (and yet with endless, numbing protocol) than being Paspaley, Tasaki or Wan.